Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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