I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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