Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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