i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
