I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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