My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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