everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
