Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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