You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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