a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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