Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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