And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
