I could have mohawked her pubes.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
