remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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