I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
