I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
