If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
