Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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