Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
