meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
