she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
