So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So squirting runs in the family.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
