i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
