Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
