Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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