So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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