Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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