you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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