Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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