Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
