If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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