He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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