I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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