I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize