all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
