Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If I die, sorry about rent.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
