You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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