theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
