if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
