I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
