No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
