I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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