someone threw a dead crab at me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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