I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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