last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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