Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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