I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
