I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
