I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
