Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
