I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
