I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
