What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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