Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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