Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize