Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
