dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
