I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
