i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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