I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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