I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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