i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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