Is it normal to miss your booty call?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
