Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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