And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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